The Self-loathing Scarecrow

My dog didn’t want to eat her food today. Last night she didn’t want to eat the snack we usually give to the two of them so that that they don’t go to sleep hungry either.  I got so scared when she refused to eat her food today. I started crying and pleading with her to eat but she just sat down and didn’t touch her food. I made her eat some by taking some of her food in my hand and putting it by her mouth but she only ate a little and then started licking my hand. My mother then gave her a couple pieces of chicken which she finally ate.

Her eyesight has really deteriorated now and she can barely see. She has cataracts and I want to take her to get surgery for it but my father is all like, “she’s an old dog, you all are wasting your time!” My mother doesn’t share his view and we’re going to do what we can for her.

I feel so guilty when I think about her. I feel as if though I’ve failed her but when I look back at my journal entries, I realize I tried really hard with her and I’m still trying. But still it’s just not good enough.

She’s ten years old. I’m afraid I’m going to check on her one morning and see that she’s not alive. I can’t deal with that. I can’t deal with that again. I’m feeling the fear I felt from that night when my other baby died, who incidentally was her son. He used to look the most like her of all her puppies and they used to fight a lot.

I just feel like my hands are tied by people who give up far too easily or who just don’t care or who just aren’t willing to make the effort. If everyone had the same love and hope and drive to never give up, the world would be a much better place and many lives would be saved.

I’m really scared right now though. I’m scared of my princess going before I can make her dreams come true.